On Tuesday, at approximately 10 am, I lost someone very special to me to Heaven. I find it quite odd that we attempt to "hang onto their feet" as they "fly" off to Heaven because we don't want them to go. We, as Christians, hold onto the exciting truth of a life, completely healed (made new), in Heaven. We'll be with our Lord and face the trials of this life, this world, no more. Shouldn't that be exciting? Yet, where is that excitement? Our loss has been tremendous. Deep caverns of emptiness seem to sit wide open waiting for me to fall in.
My grandma, Louise Dietrich Lytle, 91, passed from this life, leaving behind a heritage that extends far beyond just our immediate family. I spoke with a Fairmount woman this past winter who had 2 kids in Grandma's class. She said, "Mrs. Lytle taught more then reading, writing, and arithmetic. She taught my children about missions. She'd tell them stories from her time on the mission field and about God."
Grandma and I never really had a close relationship while I was growing up. There are many reasons for that like living 600 miles apart all of my growing up years, and the even bigger reason...when you put 2 strong willed (oh wait, it's called determined when you are an adult) people together, it typically causes friction. There was definitely friction and irk. (irk being defined as annoyance) I knew I was loved, but I had a hard time seeing how much she loved me, as a kid/teen, because of the strong opinions we both had. I often struggled always feeling like my cousins were loved better because they were in "real school" and taking AP classes while I was just a home schooler.
It wasn't until 3 years ago when we moved to Marion, that I began to build a "grown up" relationship with Grandma. Oh, there were still times when she got on my nerves or said something to one of my girls that made the hair on my neck stand up, but I realized that it wasn't meant to hurt, it was just something Grandma felt strongly about. I had to learn to let it go, and to help my girls not take offense at what she said.
Grandma (and Grandpa) has always been one of my prayer warriors. I knew without a doubt that each day, she and Grandpa were praying for our entire family. Whether times were good or bad, I knew they'd be praying for us. That was a big encouragement.
In the last few months of Grandma's life, we would visit her at Colonial Oaks Nursing Home about twice a week. The girls would often ask me if we could go visit Grandma. (Katy always looked forward to going "across the street" to visit Grandpa afterwards). We'd take Grandma for a "drive" around thru the hallways, talk to her, tell her about how life was going, and other times, we'd just sit and hold her hand. She'd squeeze my hand, tell us how much she loved us, and even prayed for us. One of the last pictures we have of Grandma alert and smiling was taken with Lilly, a special memory Lilly will cherish forever. Lilly became quite possessive of Grandma toward the end. Lilly would stand behind or beside Grandma and not allow anyone to move her or slide in. She wanted to protect Grandma. It was very special.
Lilly and Grandma.
Lilly, Katy, and Grandma about a week or 2 later.When I received word that Grandma was gone, I was sitting in the chair at the dentist's office. The tears came and so did the loneliness and grief. Although I didn't always agree with Grandma, she was part of an amazing example and heritage. I'm so grateful for the relationship I've had with Grandma over the past few years and will always hold a special place in my heart for her. She will never be forgotten. She is greatly missed, and so many times a topic of conversation or thought. So many times something exciting has happened and I've wanted to call and tell Grandma. Losing Grandma has not only rocked my world, it's still causing many tears. We've experienced many deaths within our church since Grandma's passing, and each time her passing feels so fresh. My heart aches for one more conversation, one more I love you, one more holding of her hand, one more.... Now, I must wait until I see her again in Heaven for that.
After Christmas, we stopped by her burial site in Houghton, NY. Although I thought it would bring closure, it made the tears come even more. I cried, wanting one more.... and knowing that one more couldn't happen. I prayed a prayer asking God for healing and thanking Him for such a Godly heritage. I thanked Him that we still have time with Grandpa and then just let the tears continue to flow.
Death. It's so final. Yes, we have the relief of knowing we'll see each other in Heaven, but it doesn't ease the sting of death for me. Heaven seems so far away. At almost 34, life seems to have "just begun", not be on the downward slope. When will I truly feel Grandma's arms around me in a hug again?
Death. It hurts. Some say death is a relief. Others say it's like an open wound. I would have to lean toward the second. I've got a great support system around me, and am seeing healing. I have my good days, and my days where it seems just a glimpse at her photo can bring tears. I'm thankful for those like Julia who have stepped up with extra love and hugs to stand in the gap, cry with me, and share the grief.
Although Grandma is gone, I still carry her in my heart. I love you, Grandma.
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