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Tuesday, March 02, 2010

The Pit, The Lion's Den, The Dark Hole

Depression comes in many forms, under many names. Some people say it's like a black hole. I really don't know what to call it other then a deep darkening of the soul and body.

I've been fighting it for a few months, but my fighting doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like Daniel falling deep into the Lion's den or Joseph being thrown into the pit. It's dark, it's lonely, it's scary, and it's not where I want to be. I want to be out where there is light (sunshine preferably), where I'm free to run and play...if only I had the strength to do that.

I have a hunch it started in early November when a dear friend and one of my strongest prayer warriors passed away. She was the one God would wake in the middle of the night when things were a mess for me. He'd keep her awake and praying until the spiritual battle was cleared enough for her to go back to sleep. Do prayer warriors still get to pray in heaven? Do they still do the same job?

Since Linda died, the baton of being a prayer warrior has been passed to me. I'm finding it very overwhelming. I didn't chose to accept the baton, it just happened. As I prayed so hard for Linda, it's like God said, "My child, she's prayed for your for years, now it's your turn." I wonder know what good it might have been to stand up to that quiet voice and say, "NO! I don't want to do this!" The problem is that it really was my baton. I'm now the one who gets stopped in the middle of the day feeling an urgent need to pray for someone. I'm the one who people are starting to come to for prayer. I just don't feel like I'm anything special because I can barely find time to do more then read a small devotional each day. How can I be some spiritual prayer warrior?

Shortly after Linda died, I lost another prayer warrior in my life - my Grandma. Each and every day without fail, Grandma and Grandpa would join together in prayer for every member of our extended family. Although I know my grandpa is still praying, I miss knowing Grandma is too. Again, I wonder, is a person still a prayer warrior in heaven?

SInce Grandma died, I do my best to look out for Grandpa, but it's so hard to go there. He's got pictures of Grandma all over the place. I often want to say, "How's Grandma?" or "Hey, Grandma, what do you think about ....." Then I realize it's just not possible. She's gone. Why does that have to be so hard to say? Why does that have to ache to the core of my being? Isn't it just another fact of life? We're born, we live, and then we die. Dust to dust. Guess it's not that easy to accept when you love someone who has passed from this life into the next. Although I know I'll see here again, it's not now. I want to hear "I Love you." I want to know she's praying for me.

I feel so alone. So desperate out here in my desert place. It's dark, lonely, endlessly long. The light does not shine (although, that could describe an Indiana winter perfectly) and no one passes by, not even the lone "Samaritan", I feel much like that poor man laying by the side of the road wondering how he would move, let alone get up. Yet I also wonder if someone were to throw me a rope if I would have the strength to do anything about it. I'm beaten down, feeling quite worthless many days, and would rather hide from life rather then face it head on. I'm tired of the day to day fight for will. I'd never say end this life, just end this depression.

I don't want to go back on medications. I remember the feeling of being on it, of taking the meds late, of non-connecting synapsis. I remember how evil I felt for taking the medication, then how I realized it helped and was sometimes a necessary "evil" to take "happy pills". THen, I realized something even worse. It was creating problems in my marriage due to side effects I hadn't realized were there. That is why I weaned myself off the medication several years ago. Now, I find myself back in this deep, dark pit and don't know what to do. Do I take the meds? Face the potential side-effects and headaches, missed med-aches, and see if it helps? Do I continue the journey I just started on Saturday with St. John's Wort? Do i seek help? I can't handle hearing from one more person that if I just did XYor Z that I'd get better. Don't get me wrong. I want to get better. I hate HATE HATE being in this place, but I don't feel as if I have what it takes to pull myself up each rung of the ladder to get out.

Tonight on my drive home from a meeting, I heard song after song that talked about being where I'm at. They were helpful, encouraging, but still I sit here alone trying to fight this so it doesn't take me completely out.

Could this just be SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever it's called? Could I just need sunshine? Could it be that simple?

I've tried to explain this to my husband, but I don't think he understands. Of course he's in his own down stage now. We usually are able to balance each other out, but not this time. I'm often afraid to let him see me when I'm crying and this down (which causes other problems because the last time he had no clue how bad it got cause he was at work when most of my depression came out.).

Here are some songs I heard tonight:

Aaron Jeoffrey - After the Rain
From the album After the Rain

I cover my heart
Turn from the wind
Button my coat
Here comes the storm again
What can I do but to trust in Him

'Cause I know the deeper my faith runs
The stronger I become
And the thunder, it may shake me
But I always know that...

After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you've made it through
And you'll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain

Everyone needs
Everyone hurts
Everyone feels
The weight of the world sometimes
But don't let the wind sweep your heart away

'Cause even the roughest waters cleanse
so when they come again
Let them serve as a reminder
You can always know that...

(Repeat chorus)
Can't you see the hand of Jesus
Reaching out for you
You never have to face the storm alone

Kutless - What Faith Can Do
From the album It Is Well

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

The Katinas - One More Time
From the album The Katinas

Lord, I saw your face last night
When I looked in the sky
You were smiling
You told me it would be okay
You would make a way
In my dark times

Every time I hear your voice
Every time I feel your touch
It makes me know that I can face tomorrow
One more time

When all my friends go away
I'll be glad to say
You're still near me
Even when the wind blows by
I feel warm inside
You're so lovely


I need you, don't leave me
Without you I can't survive


I know that I can face tomorrow
'Cause you will walk me through
My pain and sorrow
I know that I can face tomorrow
One more time

I can face tomorrow
You can face tomorrow
We can face tomorrow
One more time

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I walk this dark road, waiting for the SON-light to reach me and heal my heart.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Why does passing from this life to the ultimate Heavenly Life have to be so hard on the rest of us?

Note: this blog post has been 3 months in the works.

On Tuesday, at approximately 10 am, I lost someone very special to me to Heaven. I find it quite odd that we attempt to "hang onto their feet" as they "fly" off to Heaven because we don't want them to go. We, as Christians, hold onto the exciting truth of a life, completely healed (made new), in Heaven. We'll be with our Lord and face the trials of this life, this world, no more. Shouldn't that be exciting? Yet, where is that excitement? Our loss has been tremendous. Deep caverns of emptiness seem to sit wide open waiting for me to fall in.

My grandma, Louise Dietrich Lytle, 91, passed from this life, leaving behind a heritage that extends far beyond just our immediate family. I spoke with a Fairmount woman this past winter who had 2 kids in Grandma's class. She said, "Mrs. Lytle taught more then reading, writing, and arithmetic. She taught my children about missions. She'd tell them stories from her time on the mission field and about God."

Grandma and I never really had a close relationship while I was growing up. There are many reasons for that like living 600 miles apart all of my growing up years, and the even bigger reason...when you put 2 strong willed (oh wait, it's called determined when you are an adult) people together, it typically causes friction. There was definitely friction and irk. (irk being defined as annoyance) I knew I was loved, but I had a hard time seeing how much she loved me, as a kid/teen, because of the strong opinions we both had. I often struggled always feeling like my cousins were loved better because they were in "real school" and taking AP classes while I was just a home schooler.

It wasn't until 3 years ago when we moved to Marion, that I began to build a "grown up" relationship with Grandma. Oh, there were still times when she got on my nerves or said something to one of my girls that made the hair on my neck stand up, but I realized that it wasn't meant to hurt, it was just something Grandma felt strongly about. I had to learn to let it go, and to help my girls not take offense at what she said.

Grandma (and Grandpa) has always been one of my prayer warriors. I knew without a doubt that each day, she and Grandpa were praying for our entire family. Whether times were good or bad, I knew they'd be praying for us. That was a big encouragement.

In the last few months of Grandma's life, we would visit her at Colonial Oaks Nursing Home about twice a week. The girls would often ask me if we could go visit Grandma. (Katy always looked forward to going "across the street" to visit Grandpa afterwards). We'd take Grandma for a "drive" around thru the hallways, talk to her, tell her about how life was going, and other times, we'd just sit and hold her hand. She'd squeeze my hand, tell us how much she loved us, and even prayed for us. One of the last pictures we have of Grandma alert and smiling was taken with Lilly, a special memory Lilly will cherish forever. Lilly became quite possessive of Grandma toward the end. Lilly would stand behind or beside Grandma and not allow anyone to move her or slide in. She wanted to protect Grandma. It was very special.

Lilly and Grandma.

Lilly, Katy, and Grandma about a week or 2 later.

When I received word that Grandma was gone, I was sitting in the chair at the dentist's office. The tears came and so did the loneliness and grief. Although I didn't always agree with Grandma, she was part of an amazing example and heritage. I'm so grateful for the relationship I've had with Grandma over the past few years and will always hold a special place in my heart for her. She will never be forgotten. She is greatly missed, and so many times a topic of conversation or thought. So many times something exciting has happened and I've wanted to call and tell Grandma. Losing Grandma has not only rocked my world, it's still causing many tears. We've experienced many deaths within our church since Grandma's passing, and each time her passing feels so fresh. My heart aches for one more conversation, one more I love you, one more holding of her hand, one more.... Now, I must wait until I see her again in Heaven for that.

After Christmas, we stopped by her burial site in Houghton, NY. Although I thought it would bring closure, it made the tears come even more. I cried, wanting one more.... and knowing that one more couldn't happen. I prayed a prayer asking God for healing and thanking Him for such a Godly heritage. I thanked Him that we still have time with Grandpa and then just let the tears continue to flow.

Death. It's so final. Yes, we have the relief of knowing we'll see each other in Heaven, but it doesn't ease the sting of death for me. Heaven seems so far away. At almost 34, life seems to have "just begun", not be on the downward slope. When will I truly feel Grandma's arms around me in a hug again?

Death. It hurts. Some say death is a relief. Others say it's like an open wound. I would have to lean toward the second. I've got a great support system around me, and am seeing healing. I have my good days, and my days where it seems just a glimpse at her photo can bring tears. I'm thankful for those like Julia who have stepped up with extra love and hugs to stand in the gap, cry with me, and share the grief.

Although Grandma is gone, I still carry her in my heart. I love you, Grandma.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Sweet Jesus, she's Gone!

Have you ever lost someone you loved? It's probably a silly question because there are so few of us who haven't lost anyone yet. I lost someone I loved on Friday. She was one of the spiritual giants (I don't mean that because she was tall...no...she was not tall in stature)who leave a huge hole when they go.

Linda Reed. Her name can be tied to so many different things over the years - Chemung Canal Bank, Big Flats Wesleyan Church, Operation Christmas Child, the prayer ministry at BFWC...the list could go on. It was not any of these things that hit me like what I'm about to share, although when I pack our shoeboxes this year, I can guarantee I'll cry as I think about our beloved Linda and her passion for OCC.

What hits me the most is my prayer covering (Not the kind an amish person wears) is gone. God gave me Linda back in 1993 when we moved back to Big Flats. She was so excited to have us back, but little did she know the task God was setting before her with me. Throughout the next 17 years, God would call on her to lose hours of sleep because of me. You see, Linda was a prayer warrior - the kind who would stand in the gap for others. God would prompt her to pray and she'd do it...wherever she was. For me, these times would often happen during the wee hours of the night when Linda would prefer to be sleeping. God would wake Linda to pray for me and whatever situation I was facing. I remember on time when things were pretty bad for me. She told me afterwards that she really wanted to call me and tell me to get it worked out so she could get some sleep! It wasn't that I was a horrible child or young adult, but I faced many very difficult situations.

God called Linda to a high calling. Often when we pray, we think we aren't doing much, but I know from the prayer covering I had with Linda, that is simply not true. Now that Linda is gone, I feel this giant-sized hole knowing I can't cry out to God to alert Linda to pray. She's now rejoicing at HIS feet totally healed from the leukemia that ravaged her body.

Time and time again Linda would stand up in church, crying (because that is what Linda did...and we always had a kleenex box nearby), and sharing how God had awakened her that week to pray. Sometimes she was sharing her burden with us, while other times she was sharing how God had lead thru the prompting.

God gave me the gift of Linda. She never judged me, even when I was facing situations she knew were clearly wrong. She never told me, "I told you so." She would simply hug me, or send me a note sharing how God had awakened her to pray and she loved me no matter what.

Linda served as our Wedding Coordinator with her husband Guy. They helped pull the details together the day of our wedding. They've been a part of home groups I've been in, and thru her ministry with Samaritan's Purse's Operation Christmas Child, Linda's heart brought about a strong Collection site for these boxes that get shipped all around the world. She even traveled to help deliver boxes a time or two.

One of the things I've really been challenged to do lately is to become that prayer covering for others. God wakes me (even in the wee hours when I hate being awake) and puts someone on my heart and strongly reminds me to pray. I'm learning the joy of doing this for others. My friends are learning to come to me with their needs so that I will know how to specifically pray. Although I do not feel I am the spiritual giant in prayer that Linda was, I feel God is using me much like the scripture that says, 1Th 5:17 "Pray without ceasing." This is what Linda did. Her prayer covering in my life, and so many others will be missed tremendously. One other way her prayer covering touched me...she was part of my dad's Pastor's Prayer team. Linda supported my dad so much and felt that one of the best ways she could do that was to pray. She'd pray with a group of others during sermon time, and often held Dad up in prayers.

On Friday at noon, Linda Reed lost the battle to leukemia, but won the ultimate race. She's received her crown in glory and is dancing with her sweet Jesus. I can see her hugging Him, climbing up on His lap to talk, and of course crying. I know the Bible says that there will be no more crying, but I still think there will be tears where Linda is! She can't wrap herself in the arms of the Master Physician who has healed her completely without tears!

To Linda's family, I'm so sorry for your loss. There aren't words to express the pain we all feel. She was such a special woman for all of us and will be greatly missed.

TO Grayson, be strong. You've faced a lot in the past couple of years with losing Grandpa Jimmy, and now Grandma Linda. I pray that you will turn your aching heart to Jesus who can comfort you and not turn away from Him in pain. Linda would never have wanted that. She would say something like this, "I'm home now. I'm healed, and I'm with my sweet Jesus." Grayson, I will pray for you as Linda has prayed for me.

To Guy, if I were there, I'd come, wrap my arms around your shoulders and we'd embrace in one of those "bear hugs" you give, and I'd tell you how blessed we were to have Linda to love for the time God gave us.

To Mary, I'm sure this can't be easy as a mom to have watched your daughter go thru so much pain. Let's rejoice in knowing she's in Heaven with her dad - Jimmy, and her FATHER too.

Eric & Mel, Cherish Linda's memory. Share it with your kids, and search your own hearts. Are you going to be with her again? I know that is exactly what she would want. Don't wait. Make a commitment to God now. We are not promised tomorrow....only today. Wouldn't you want to be with her again?

I'm reminded of a song called "Touch of the Master's Hand." The song talked about an auction coming to a close and the last item was a violin. It wasn't much. It was batted and scared, and didn't look nice. As the end of the song, a man came out of the crowd, picked up the violin and played with such grace that everyone was awed. It was the touch of the Master's Hand.

This, my friends, is what has happened with Linda. She was battered and scared by this terrible disease, but in the end, the Master stepped in took her home to be with Him, and now she's made whole again. We must rejoice in knowing she'll face no more pain, no more suffering, and that she's in the arms of Sweet Jesus.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Birthday, by Lilly

The following story was written by Lilly on Tuesday for a language assignment. I couldn't pass up sharing it.

Once there was a boy who had a birthday coming up soon. His mom wanted to do something for him for his birthday. When his Dad got home his mother said I have to go buy some thing at the store.

She went to teh storea nd bought some party things like cake, ice cream, ballons, a gift, (you will find out what the gift is later), punch, lemundade, chips, tableclothes, cups, cuzews, birthday hats, napkens, confety, and inventesens (invitations). She paid for all these things and still had money leftover to buy a lot of other things. The party was a blast. They had cake and stuft to drink. They opened presents. The gift was a MP3 player.

(Note: spelling is as is on the paper.)

I though this was especially appropriate as they were just given a gift of an MP3 player last weekend!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Human Dart Board

Have you ever had those days when you feel like a Human Dart Board? Lately I feel as though I have "darts" coming at me from every direction, and sometimes 3 and 4 at a time, one right after the other. It's not just like it's happening one day here and there, it's everyday lately. I feel I just can't get away from it.

The darts come in all shapes and sizes. Some hurt more than others, but they are all noticeable. Some of them "stick" to me like a suction cup, while others fall off without causing much "harm". They can be the ongoing behavioral problems with one of our girls, or a dilemma with Grandma, or yet another time I didn't do something someone expected me to do. After awhile you just get to the point where you give up ducking to avoid being missed and stand there as they hit. You become something a little less controlled and "together" each time they hit. Sometimes I'm able to laugh about it, but today, after 2 HUGE battles of the will, a long night last night with other relational issues, and being hit with 50 or more darts, all I feel like doing is crying. I'm tired, stressed, frustrated, have been known to be mad at times, grieving, claustrophobic, and ready to give up.

I'm reminded of the passage in Ephesians about the Armor of God. Ephesians 6:16" In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one." (NIV) I once heard some teaching that the shields were dipped in some sort of liquid (not sure if it was water or not) before the battle so they would truly extinguish the flaming arrows of the enemy.

A dear friend often reminded me in the tough times that all we have to do is ask God to walk us thru second by second. We don't even have to think ahead to the next hour, even minute. Sometimes just thinking of making it through the next second was all we could handle. Maybe you are there today too. Hang onto God. He is our refuge and strength in times of Trouble. (Psalm 46) We will make it through this.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today's writing assignment

Today's writing assignment for school is to write about myself. So...here goes.

If you are reading this blog, you already know that I am Lisa (Lytle) Huber because the side bar tells you that. I was born and spent most of my life in Big Flats, NY. (brief geography lesson: it's located between Horseheads and Painted Post. It's about 2 hours from Rochester, 2 hours from Syracuse, and 3 hours from Buffalo.) I was born a PK (Pastor's Kid) and a GMK (Grandkid of a Missionary Kid). I come from a long line of deeply rooted lovers of God.

I have brown hair, brown eyes wear glasses, have an inch or 3 more around my waste then I did 10 years ago, and love to eat, especially ice cream and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Since I am an avid gym-goer, it seems odd that these 2 things would be my weaknesses, but I guess everyone has something they crave!

I am a Pampered Chef Consultant (Team Leader, really), a home school teacher, and an Athletic Director by trade. Before you start laughing (those of you who have known me for a long time and know I'm not an athlete), I'm not a coach. I handle scheduling, planning, coach relations, and PR regarding athletics. I do not play. When asked if I'd want to do the Athletic Director job again this year or do something else, I said I definitely wanted to come back as A.D. It was difficult, and stretched me beyond my comfort zone, but I did learn a lot and LOVED working with our athletes.

I've been married to Phil for 10.5 years. Wow! Who would have guessed, huh? I still remember the " Female Communication student pact" about not dating Phil. I sure took a lot of razing for that, but I'm glad I broke the pact.

I'm the mother of an "almost 10 year old" daughter Lilly. She's started 4th grade today at The King's Academy. Lilly is a funny girl and is definitely a LEADER (all caps if you know her you understand!). I don't believe she has been a follower a day in her life. She is charismatic, spirited, and even strong-willed. Poor kid got a double dose of it from her parents. (at least I'm told it's more than her daddy who is strong willed!) She holds the character traits that will enable her to be a strong leader as an adult, but when dealt with in a kid, it's hard to harness them and allow the things that seem so frustrating to be directed in the proper direction. (Much like a young horse being "broken"...if you use a bit, it's much easier to get it to go in the direction you want it to go. Unfortunately, using a bit on a child would be considered inhumane!)

I'm also the monther of a 7 year old daughter named Katy. Katy is cute in a funny sort of way. She has a knack for making us laugh (many times at the most inopportune times) and desires to make people happy. She's a very hand's on student and loves to work with her Daddy as a Jr Technical Assistant (and even has her own Phillippe Performing Arts Center name tag she has to wear to work). She helps at chapel at least 2 times a week, can wrap an audio cable better than most of Phil's college student workers (sorry guys) and is even going to train them today as a live demo. I wish I could be there to see it!

Hobbies: exercising, reading, writing, listening to music, and playing wii cow racing.

Favorite musical artists: Michael W. Smith, Francesca Battistelli, Chris Tomlin, Chris Rice, Amy Grant, and Norah Jones.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The urge to write

Tonight I've just had the urge to write. I don't know that there is any one thing on my heart, but I miss writing. I've been stopping by several friends' blogs and been blessed at each stop. Whether it's Mindy's heart to bake (I can still remember her mom baking chocolate chip cookies or pecan pies...didn't like the pies but the adults did! Cookies were the best!) or Carla's blog where she was sharing an everyday story that hit the nail on the head spiritually, God has His ways of teaching us.

This summer had been nothing like I imagined it would be. I somehow concocted a picture of glorious summer days full of strawberry lemonade, sunning by the pool with a good book...after sleeping in until at least 9 am. RRRRT. STOP! Where in the world did that come from? A movie? A silly fiction novel? A desire for life to be that way maybe? I can't say that I've had a single day like that in my whole summer (but maybe I'll make one this week!!!! Here's hoping.) I can see each of those things individually, but most of the time they aren't all together in a relaxing day! Hmmm...with one month left before school starts, me thinks I better make it happen!

It's not like it's been the easiest of summers around here. We've had the major downturn of health for Grandma, learning to help Grandparents in ways I never imagined, recovering still from our auto accident in March, asthma struggles, and so much more. It seems my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride.

You know, it's really kind of funny. When I started writing, I had lots of ideas of what I want to say, but now, as I write, I'm facing writers block and can't think of what to say or how to say it.

I'm sad. As we speak, I have 5 grandparents, and 4 of them are struggling with major health problems - mainly dementia. Some are in worse stages than the others. My Grandma Joan doesn't even know who mom is. She calls her "a nice person" just like everyone else she sees. Her husband, Grandpa Dave, seems to be failing too, although he's such a bull-headed man, one can never truly know what is going on in his head. My Grandpa S's health seems to be failing more rapidly than we had originally thought. He's getting more and more confused each day (all 2nd or 3rd hand reports...I haven't made the trip to see him. We spent time with him at Thanksgiving.) He's due to move to a more assisted living situation in the fall, but not sure how things will pan out with him.

Then there's Grandma Lytle. Her health seems to plateau, then fall, and then be ok for a little while. This past week has been another very difficult one. She's been very confused and even flighty. Tomorrow morning they are assessing her to see if she is even able to be transferred to the nursing care across the street in the step-down care facility they are living in, or if she'll have to go somewhere else. This is just breaking Grandpa's heart. They've been married at least 65 years. He feels like he's losing his mind, but in reality it's just he isn't sleeping because he has to listen for Grandma and is up multiple times a night with her (almost like having a baby around again). If he were able to relax from some of the care, I think he'd start perking up again. He's facing grief just with what he's dealing with now, I can't imagine how hard it will be living apart from Grandma when the time comes.

Lately each morning when I wake up, it's a struggle to get up. I feel exhausted and ready for a nap even before I get up. I wish I could be like a dog after a bath and just shake free off all the stress and grief. SHAKE it off. It's just that's not the reality of how things are. Each piece of the situation takes a little more frosting off the cake. It makes the cookie crumble. In some ways, it's probably easier this way because I'm only dealing with a little at a time, but it seems like such a long process of grief no matter how I deal with it.

I've just been alerted to the fact that it is after midnight and way past my bedtime, so I'll close for now and have to write more another time. Sorry my thoughts were so mixed up and seem to be all over the place. It's just how my brain feels tonight.